The Random Adventures of Kate and Rose
by Hippie Jade
Summary: Two complete lunatics have escaped the asylum and are reeking havoc the world of Harry Potter, conveniently ignoring the sound of JK banging her head on a desk.
1. Ickle Werewolf

This is a random story my friend and I wrote during lunch because we were bored, did I mention it was random? T.T.F.N. - Hippie Jade p.s I believe in Bob

**Ickle Werewolf**

"Aww! Look at the cute ickle werewolf" Rose cooed pinching the werewolf's cheeks, "Aww, aren't you the cutest, most adorable werewolf ever!"

"Ickle werewolfs going to bite your head off if you pinch his cheeks again"

"No it won't, it's a lovely kind, gentle werewolf aren't you?"

"Grrrrr" it growled menacingly at them.

"Oi Rover! Who you growling at?" Kate remarked whacking it on the head.

"No Kate!" Rose cried jumping at her, "Don't hurt the ickle werewolf, it's only saying hello! Weren't you?"

The werewolf gave her a worried look.

"See? The ickle werewolf was only saying hello. Wow, what big teeth it has!" Rose explained as the wolf opened its mouth and launched itself at Kate who lazily put her hand up in the stop position so it crashed into it.

"It's dangerous! Can't you bloody see that!" the werewolf tried to run at her still, its fore paws waving wildly in the air.

"Animal cruelty! Animal cruelty! Animal cruelty! Animal-OW! You git! You bloody git! How dare you bite me when i stood up for you!"

Rose started to attack the werewolf, whacking it violently around the head with a toilet seat.

"Where'd you get that from?" Kate asked in shock, Rose gave her a confused look,

"The toilet"

Randomly, a stag suddenly burst through the castle doors, it stared at them and came to a stop by there side. "Thanks" Kate huffed as she and Rose took off their coats and hung hem on his antlers.

A large black dog soon joined the stag and on seeing what they were doing it threw itself at Kate, who in turn kicked it between the tail. "What's with the animals attacking me tonight?"

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THE NEXT DAY

"Arrg, what happened?" asked a groggily Remus Lupin, "Did I attack someone?"

"Err, not exactly" James answered from his right,

"What do you mean 'not exactly'?"

"Well, they attacked you…with a toilet seat" Sirius explained.

"Who's they?"

Rose and Kate walked past on the way to the door, "It's a good thing I've had my Tetanus jab"

"Real good thing, you could have come down with one nasty cough or cold"

A motorbike suddenly appeared in front of them, its driver pulled up her visor on her helmet, "Come on! Lord Fart and Muchkin Man are right on out tails!"

"Right you are Sundus!"

They squeezed on and disappeared.

"Wow" Sirius sighed, "I want a bike"

THE END OF THE BEGINING


	2. Thirsty?

This chapter takes place in the philosopher's stone when Harry and Hermione need to figure out which potion to drink to pass thought the flames.

This is just as random as the last, all the best – Hippie Jade

BOB!

**Thirsty?**

Hermione read out the list to Harry, "Two are poison, two are potion and three are-"

"Glug-glug-glug…hmmm rum!"

"Cool-glug- I've got whiskey!"

Harry and Hermione stood staring open mouthed at the two girls that had just appeared and were now drinking the bottles.

"Hmm…larger… Kate what's this one?"

The one named Kate raised a bottle to her lips just as Hermione screamed, "No that's the poison!"

"The what?" Rose asked just as Kate let out an ear splitting scream and began rolling around on the floor clutching her throat.

"Kate! What is it?"

"Poison! The worse of poisons...Bacardi!"

"Urgg! You poor thing! Do you think you'll live" Rose asked worriedly, Kate gasped and nodded.

Harry and Hermione shared equally confused looks, "Isn't Bacardi an alcohol?" Harry asked.

"It's evil! Disgusting! Poison beyond all others!" Harry raised an eyebrow just as a motor bike appeared next to him causing him to jump about a foot in the air.

The driver, Sundus, took her helmet off and scorned her friends, "Guys! Their right behind us! This is no time to be getting dru- is that rum?"

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Way too short but sue me. This reminds me, I OWN NOTHING!

Must find Bob now, bye!


	3. Who's The Daddy?

Couldn't miss Lockhart out now could I? This takes place during his book signing at Flourish and Blotts. – Hippie Jade

p.s. Bob says hi!

**Who's The Daddy?**

"Where are we now?" Kate asked looking around in wonder, Rose shrugged and Sundus hiccupped dizzily.

"Introducing Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart!" a throng of women nearby started to cheer and clap. Rose and Kate looked at each other with such evil grins it would make your eyes water.

They spotted the photographer just behind them so without haste Kate ran up the stairs and Rose pushed her way through the crowd. One flash, two flash, Lockhart suddenly looked up, his eyes fixed on the crowd, "It _can't _be-"

"Daddy! You recognised me!" Rose screamed in a childish high pitched voice and flung herself at him, attaching her arms around his waist.

Lockhart jumped and tried to prise her off without luck, Rose continued and Kate appeared on the balcony above them.

"Daddy! I'm so glad to see you! Mommy's so ill without you, and she said you didn't care about us and that's why you never write! But I knew you never really wanted to run off with Paul!"

Lockhart stared at her in horror, the crowd gaped open mouthed at him, even the photographer lowered his camera in shock. In fact the only people who weren't gaping were Kate, who had a fishing rod in her hand and was biting her lip in concentration.

Sundus who was still on the floor hiccupping madly in-between giggling and Harry Potter who had stuffed his hand in mouth to stop himself laughing out loud.

Lockhart finally prised Rose of, "I've never seen you before in my life! Get away from me!" Rose's lip trembled then she threw back her head and began to cry loudly, she fell onto the floor still crying as loudly as her lungs could cope with.

Kate lowered the fishing rod down just as the crowd began to all talk at once angrily, the hook found its goal and with a quick lunge upwards, Gilderoy Lockhart was standing there bold, his wig hoisted high above him.

Harry, the Weaslys and several others who could not contain it any longer burst out laughing, bent double.

Nobody ever did see Lockhart's long-lost daughter and her friends again, though one smelly hobo, who liked cheese, swore he saw three figures disappear on a huge motorbike, but only his pet carrot ever believed him.


	4. Hey Tommyboy!

I still own nothing, as Bob so kindly keeps on reminding me.

Short but I am uploading two at a time to make up for that.

**Hey Tommy-boy!**

"Where are we now!" Sundus, now sober after a de-tour to Alcoholics Anonymous, yelled, "And why are we black and white!"

"Excuse me…are you Tom Riddle?"

"Hey! No fair he gets to be in colour!" Kate whined pointing at Harry, he looked back at them, "So you are real!" he exclaimed.

"Well duh!" Sundus huffed; Harry shook his head before explaining,

"I thought I was just imagining you!"

"If you're imagining us, I think you need to get out more" Kate answered, meanwhile Rose had gone right up to Tom Riddle.

"Hey Tommy-boy!" Rose yelled madly waving wildly at the memory of Tom Riddle,

"Hi!" the memory waved back just as enthusiastically.

Kate raised her eyebrows in shock, "Aren't you a memory?"

"Erm…err…BYE!" The memory of Tom Riddle ran off down the hall, "Bye

Tommy!" Rose called after him.

"Hey! Why'd he talk to you?" Harry asked running after him.

Sundus sighed, she clicked her fingers and the motorbike appeared, "Come on, before _they _get here"

Kate huffed and Rose whined, "But I just made a friend", never the less they all clambered on and disappeared.

At the top of the stairs a 50 year younger Dumbledore shook his head, "That's the last time I drink from the drip tray"


	5. Brakecables and Sissors

**Takes place during 2nd year summer while Harry is walking 'home' from the shops getting milk. (Yeah, I made it up) T**

**This is just the linking chapter to the next.**

**Oh, and I ransacked the house but couldn't find Harry Potter ownership anywhere, though I did find a rather disturbing picture of chewing gum, toast and socks…**

**Brake-cables and Scissors**

"Hey Harry!" Harry Potter spun round, he knew that voice and sure enough running up to him were two girls that he recognised as those he saw now and then, often followed with their rum-loving friend. He called the one who had hugged Lockhart Loopy and the other Loony; rum-lover was called Pinkie as he never saw her out of that colour.

"Err…hi" he wasn't really sure what to say, they only ever showed up to cause mayhem and although it was rather humorous he decided to never get on their bad side lest he end up like Larkhart.

His brow creased in confusion before realising who was missing, "Hey, where's Pinkie?"

"Who?" Loony asked as she grabbed Loopy's coat to stop her chasing someone carrying jelly tots,

"I don't know what her name is, I call her Pinkie, she rides the bike" Harry explained, a little embarrassed that he had said the nickname out loud.

"Oh" Loopy replied, giving up her chase for the jelly tots and joining the other two walking, "She had an accident on the bike, when she first came round she said something about brake-cables and scissors"

Kate whistled innocently chucking a tangle of wire and a pair of chipped scissors in an old lady's stroller when they passed its confused owner.

**I'll update ASAP, but I'll update my stories based on how many reviews I get. The more reviews I get on one the quicker I'll update it. Not bribery, I just need some order in my life. **

**Anyways, TTFN!**


	6. BLAIR BLAIR BLAIR!

**Hi dudes! This is based on an episode of the Young Ones called Bambi and takes place in the third film, which to be honest could have been better!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Hippie Jade: I can't place my finger on it…I just feel so empty…**

**Psychologist: And how does that make you feel?**

**Hippie Jade: Depressed. I just can't come to terms with it.**

**Psychologist: And how does that make you feel?**

**Hippie Jade: Raised eyebrow: Depressed.**

**Psychologist: And how does that make you feel?**

**Hippie Jade: Your not a real Psychologist are you?**

**Psychologist: No… I'm the random Hobo that seems to pop up randomly in all your stories. Can I have a sandwich please?**

**Hippie Jade: Here. I guess I own nothing…:Sigh:**

**Random Hobo: Ergg! This is banana!**

**Hippie Jade: You're a Hobo! Your not suppose to care!**

**Random Hobo: Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot. : Eats sandwich while Hippie Jade runs off to find Bob:**

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Harry and is friends made their way along the corridor of the Hogwarts Express looking for a place to sit.

"HEY HARRY!"

"AAAAIIIIII...wait that's not right, I mean…AAARRRGGGG!"

"Sorry" Kate said swing down from the roof where she had been hanging, "Did I scare you?"

"Of course you did!" Harry yelled, "You made me scream like Malfoy!"

Malfoy randomly appeared with a sparkle of pretty pink light, "I resent that comment, you know!" he then randomly disappeared.

Ron raised his eyebrow, "Am I missing something?"

Harry shook his head as they filed into an almost empty compartment, its only occupance been a stuffed rag doll, oh, I mean Lupin, and Rose and Sundus.

"Here you are Rose" Kate declared with pride handing her friend a cup, "That'll be five quid"

"Five quid for an empty paper cup?"

"It had sugar in it!" Rose handed over the money and examined the cup, Kate grinned,

"Well I'm off to go and stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet!" she left.

"Did she bang her head when she hit the floor?" Hermione asked, the others shrugged.

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"Do not lean out of the window" Kate read looking puzzled, "I wonder why?" she stuck her head right out of the window just as another train sped past.

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**Back in the carriage…**

"Why are we stopping? We can't be there yet"

Ron looked out of the window, "What the bloody hell…" he muttered as he watched Kate's body kick her head down the track.

"Wow" Sundus breathed, "I never knew she was so insecure with herself…"

The door suddenly slammed open and a group of random vampires jumped into the compartment, arms held high and mouths foaming, "Blair! Blair! Blair!" they screeched, Rose pointed south, "He's in London, 1997 onwards. Hurry and you might catch him"

The vampires blinked, stood up, wiped their mouths and, in a thick accent that everyone seems to associates with Oxford, Britain, the head vampire said, "Thanks very much, I say chaps what a spot of luck we've had. I say… if we run we can catch the number 50!" the vampires cheered and ran off.

The rag doll, um, I mean Lupin suddenly stood up and pointed his wand at the door; "Are you ever late" Sundus said sarcastically and rolled her eyes at the confused professor.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: Gasp: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rose screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING ON YOUR FACE!"

Lupin turned and touched _it_, "It's my moustache"

"AAAAAAAAAA! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE DON'T WORRY I'LL SAVE YOU!" Rose screamed again and, picking up a random shovel that randomly appeared there because I randomly wanted it to, and began to beat him senseless with it, in a bid to rid him of _it._

"I wish this wasn't happening to me! Oh! The flashbacks!" Lupin groaned before losing consciousness thus letting Rose begin her surgery.

**MAWHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Don't despair, soon you will see the affects of Rose's surgery but review first! Remember my bid at putting some order in my life?**


	7. Out of the window and into the lake

**I'm baak:)**

**Out of the window and into the lake**

Professor R.J. Lupin, who sported a gleaming white bandage on his upper lip, looked up from his funky jazz player to see no other then Harry Potter about to face the Bogart, a thousand thoughts rushed through his mind, 'must stop, must stop'.

The Bogart began to change and, not realising it had changed into a Dementor already, the teacher sprung in front of his student with a rather disturbing cry and a random apple in his hand.

The Bogart froze, and then it began to change. Spinning around and around until…it appeared, his worst nightmare. A RAZOR! But this was no ordinary razor; this was the red razor used for the 'surgery' and from it was emerging the insane giggling of the demon child.

Lupin screamed, turned tail and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, tripping over the disk player's wire and out of the window, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DON'T LET IT GET ME!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaa aaaa…."

SPLATT!

"I meant to do that!"

"Sure you did"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IT'S THE DEMON CHILD!" Lupin, despite all odds, got up from his splattered position and ran off into the woods.

"What'd he do that for?" The class shrugged as they watched their teacher fall into the lake and be chased around by the giant squid.

Poor bloke.

**I actually feel sorry for the guy:( **

**Sorry the update took so long but the good news is there is another one on the way:)**


	8. Long time no see

**THIS IS MY ****FAVOURITE** **CHAPTER EVER!**

**Long time no see!**

With a soft thud the motorbike landed and the three lunatics, erm, I mean girls clambered off.

Sundus cast the room a dirty look, "Where in the name of Bob are we?" Kate shrugged while Rose twirled round looking at the ceiling,

"I think guys I think we're in the Chamber of Secrets!"

Sundus blinked, "Shouldn't we have been here three chapters ago?"

"Hey" Kate answered, "It 'isn't called Random Adventures for nothing you know!"

"Oh look there's Harry" Rose pointed at the dark haired twelve year old who was trying to stare down a rather tall sixteen year old.

"Fine! Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort against the famous Harry Potter!" the sixteen year old declared turning around to face the statue of the random hobo, well it_ looked_ like the random hobo.

Six feet under Slytherin turned in his grave and shook his fist at the author.

"Tommy!" Rose screamed running over to the memory who at turned back round by now, his eyes widened, "I know you! You're that random girl I met fifty years ago!"

"Fifty years? Honey, you don't look a day older!"

"Aww! You know how to make a memory blush!"

Kate lent over to Sundus, "Where'd they get those chairs and cups on tea?" Sundus shrugged.

"It's a gift! So, what you been up to?"

"You know, the usual. Planning the end of the world, recruiting all evil to me, all that mind you, while juggling an education, part time job and popping out for some Ben and Jerry's ice cream in-between meetings" Riddle replied counting them off on his fingers.

"You've been busy!"

"Immensely, what about you?"

They both took a sip of tea, pinkie raised in the air.

"Time travelling mostly, me, yes. Though we did end up in Italy a while ago, so it's not all fun and games"

"Italy? What did you do there?"

"Run for our lives mostly, how was I to know you could get stoned two thousand years ago for singing badly?"

"Oh I don't know, can't trust anybody these days!"

In the background Harry did various Matrix moves at the oncoming Basilisic.

**Did you like it? Hope so. Let me know!**


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